Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Late Night Thoughts

I should be studying right now for my test on Friday morning, but something bothers me so much that I could not get it out of my head for these past few weeks.

One of the main reasons why I never really wanted to be in a relationship is because I'm scared of the idea that the relationship might fail. There are just so many What Ifs that I think about when it comes to making decision.

What if this relationship fails?
What if I care about the guy more than he does about me?
What if I'm the one ended up getting hurt at the end?
What if I'm the only one making effort to make sure the relationship works?
What if I love too hard?

God, all these thoughts are VERY pessimistic, I'm not gonna deny it. 

I grew up around broken families and failed relationships, and I am honestly really scared that I would experience the same thing. My own family is one very happy family, but the stories about my relatives and neighbors that I had listened to while growing up weren't. The women are always the ones that took time to move on. I think it is sad and very depressing, and I don't like being surrounded with sadness. It makes you feel like you are not worthy and you are not enough. So I somehow developed this sick thought to not even attempt to be in a relationship in the first place since the possibility that it's not gonna have a good ending is 50%. You get what I mean?

As a person that grew up in a very loving family, which I am very thankful for, part of my concerns is also the efforts that go into making sure that the relationship works. I had moved to 7 different schools (2 primary schools and 5 secondary/ high schools) so you can probably guess that I do not have many best friends. It's easy making friends for me, but it's really hard to get close to anyone when you know you are gonna leave someday.... So, anyway, my parents and my only sister are my closest friends. They are not just family, they are literally everything. I tell them things that other people would share with their friends. When I have problems, I'd tell them. Sometimes I curse in front of them (not directed to them though) because I am very comfortable with them and I know that they understand how frustrated I am when things do not go well. So basically I am explaining all of this because I want to make sure whoever is reading this will understand what I am about to say next.

Again, I love them with all my heart. When I love someone, I love too hard. And I trust too hard. And I would definitely make time for the people that I love. So if I don't hangout with you because I'm busy, that's probably because I do not love you. Lol. Anyway, so I think I would expect someone to be committed to me as willingly as I am to you. If I can take my time out of studying to reply your text when I am still in class, so do you. Don't tell me you are busy and shit. You ALWAYS make time for someone that you love. It is really not that hard... Communication is the key. I cannot think of spending future with someone that I cannot talk stuffs about - both mundane, daily conversations and deep conversations. 

But then, I also realize that not everyone has a good family. Most importantly, not every family is the same. Some of my friends that came from broken home do not share the same idea of how often they should communicate with their family. Some of them do not understand why I am often on my phone, why my phone is always buzzing. Well, it is because people that I love (both family and friends) are like thousand miles away from me... I care, so I make time to talk to them. I got mad at my mom when she did not text me in two days. I got worried when my best friend did not reply my text although they have "seen" it on Whatsapp. The other day, I stumbled upon an article that talks about behaviour of people coming from broken home... They do not have the same definitions of compromise and how to be emotionally connected and how to simply... care. The way they show their appreciation is different. I wonder if one day I fell in love with someone coming from a broken home, how would it be? Would I sleep every night with tears in my eyes because my expectation was too high? My mom came from a broken family too. Her experience when she was young was not great, but it shaped her to be who she is today - a very loving mother. She once told us that she did not get to experience what being a family feels like when she was a child, and she swore she would not let that happen to her children. To my mom, I love you so much! I am forever thankful that I have you as my mother.

Honestly, I do not know what I really wanted to say. Haha. I guess I was trying to justify why I am still not interested in the idea of being in a relationship. I do not want to get hurt... My parents raised me to always love myself, and I do not want to be a person that loves too hard and just succumbs to heartbreak and despair caused by one guy. But at the same time, I wonder why am I being so pessimistic and full of negativity when good things can come out of it? I don't know... Lol I am probably not mature enough to understand this. I'll revisit this blogpost when I have new thoughts on this matter.

I know that I am just ranting most of the times. I write as my thoughts flow... So the structures are a bit jumpy but who cares... I'm writing for myself and potentially for future generations that want to understand what's going on in my head lol. Cheers!