Life Isn't All Sunshines and Rainbows

Dear  blogger,

Been feeling kinda down these past few days. Constantly feel like I am not doing well in many aspects of my life be it my career, my love life, my personal development, my spiritual journey and a lot more. Perhaps I've spent too much time on social media and looking at other people's glorious lives. Hahaha kids, that's why social media is toxic! :P

For example, one of my friends is currently offshore as a drilling engineer. That is my exact goal and passion that I discovered when I was in my senior year of degree, but here I am stuck at doing something that is not even related to my degree. To be honest, I always feel underperformed at my job, not knowing many things... It's not that I am unwilling to learn new things, but I'm just tired of it. When people say that you need passion to do well in your job, I greatly agree with that. You can definitely do the job even if you don't have passion, but you can't really push yourself to do more. At least this is how I feel right now. Please don't tell me I ain't grateful. I am grateful that I have a job... Torn between feeling grateful and wanting what I feel I deserved. Haha!

My love life? Oh well, sometimes I feel like I am not good enough haha. Quite often I'm worried about the future too... I don't really know... It's probably the demon in me. Or it's probably the baggage from past relationship. However, I do believe that I have reflected on my past relationship and sworn not to do all the things that I hated from it anymore.

I think that's enough. 

If anyone ever read this... Don't worry if you don't understand what I am trying to tell. I've just had too many things on my mind and my thoughts are messy. 

Stay safe y'all xoxo

If I Could Turn Back Time

Recently, I've been thinking of you.

I don't really understand why myself, but the feeling is really strong. I'm just overwhelmed with guilt and regret, the feeling that I should have felt half a decade ago. It was so long ago, you probably don't even remember.

If I could turn back time, I definitely would do all the right things I should have done...
I would really think and weigh all of my options before deciding on one. One that I would not regret.
But we are humans and we can only wish, and many times we dream for impossible things....

I can keep going on, but,
I am also tired of going through many many What If scenarios in my head late at night.
I do realize that I am big enough to know that I have to let go. I will try very hard to make peace with the fact that I once made a bad decision, and will be more careful in the future.

But,
If I could turn back the time, I want to apologize to you... I am very sorry.

Beautiful Words from Will & Grace

Hey all,

Just wanna stop by to say that I'm doing fine. I know that I've been quiet on my blog, including removing all of my old blogposts. I am actually doing fine, better than I thought I'd be after what happened. I now realize that, you know what, happiness starts within you. You gotta love yourself enough to know what you deserve and what deserves you - I'll make sure I dedicate a blogpost to this once I'm ready. As of now, it's enough to say that I'm okay :)

Currently, due to MCO and coronavirus pandemic, I've been working from home and mostly watching Will & Grace on my free time. Re-watching actually, I believe I've finished the whole seasons. This particular episode  (S0311: Coffee & Commitment) somehow had moved me and I just wanna keep the scene here. For future reference lol.

	Will: When I'm feeling like there's no love coming to me...
	Grace: And I have no love to give...
	Will: When I'm feeling separated from the world...
	Grace: And cut off from myself...
	Will: When I'm feeling annoyed by every little thing...
	Grace: Because I'm not getting what I want; I'll remember that there is an infinite amount of love available to me.
	Will: And I'll see it in you.
	Grace: I'll remember that I am complete within myself...
	Will: So I'll never have to look to you to complete me.
	Both: And most of all, I'll remember that everything I really need I already have, and whatever I don't have will come to me when I'm ready to receive it. --> This just gets me every time!

—reading a poem at the wedding